New post tonight.

Why? Because I read Alex’s post. Living in a house with four roommates is not what i thought it would be. At all. I find myself in my room the majority of the time. Can I just say this to anybody who reads this: living with 4 people is NOT  a good idea. At all. But, living by myself in my own room is nice. Haha. ADD. I miss Alex. More and more every day. He’s changed so much in Alaska. And I’m so proud of him. Like, so proud. He’s the best person I know. And he helps me. While we’re at the randomness, I love my job. Like seriously. This is what I’m supposed to be doing. My students are the reason I wake up every morning at 6, walk past the gross kitchen, 80 degree house, and get in my car and drive there. They’re the reason I don’t mind working from 7 to 6. It’s awesome.

…

I was reading my past blogs and have come to this realization: when i feel sad, i like to write. I’m like Ernest Hemingway minus the pistol. I have been thinking I want to go on antidepressants. But I’m nervous. I hate being medicated. And honestly, I don’t know how i could go about that. I don’t know if I want my mom to know but I really think I need them. I don’t know. And yes, I did google “symptoms of depression”. I just don’t know if I’m depressed or actually sad at this moment. But the majority of the time, I think I feel like this. I don’t know. I just want help. I want to feel happy all the time again.

I am okay.

I feel like everyone gives me less credit than I deserve. I can pretend like everything is alright, all the time. I’ve told people that I am happy, and it’s partially true. I’m not not happy. Nor am I totally happy. Life has just taken so many unexpected turns. The fact is this, folks: I deserve better. Believe me, I know. I know that I don’t deserve to be treated like shit. I know that I deserve to be someone’s one and only. I know that I deserve everything. I know. But do any of you know how much I have gone through? How much I have suffered through, just to keep admitting “well, I may be alone. I may be lonely. But I. Deserve. Better.” I just want to go out and scream at the top of my lungs. Life isn’t perfect. And people are just as imperfect. I know who I am. I know I’m great with kids, I’m kind, I’m caring, I’m fun. I also know I am impatient, selfish at times, care too much, overreactive, and don’t have the best body. I know who I am. And I accept who I am. I even love who I am. And I’m sick and tired of going around and around saying to everybody else “love who you are. He’ll be here. He’s coming. Somebody will love you for you.” It’s bullshit. I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of spewing out shit I don’t believe in anymore. If I can’t even start a relationship with a dumbass asshole who is semiattractive, a jerk, a horrible friend, younger than I am, and just plain rude: then how the hell am I going to be able to last with someone who is great? That being said: (to all you lovely folks reading this) I. AM. DONE. WITH. HIM. You have no idea how embarrassing it is to hear your great friends leave out information, tell me that his new girlfriend is alright but not as good as me. I just don’t care anymore. I want to be alone. Because after all, we all have the exact life we want.

What I need. Hell, what I want.

I know. I know. That I am supposed to be taking this entire semester to think about me. But, seriously, what does everyone think I am doing? I’ve come to the realization that no one reads this. And I’m actually ok with that. I can now write on this about anything, anyone, everything. Like, if I want to talk about how much I am hurting because of someone or how much I love cheese. I can do it. I have been sitting around waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And good God. It is SO exhausting. I am ready to meet my soul mate. Bring it on, world. If you don’t think I am ready Lord, please explain why because I’m starting to lose hope in ever finding him. I know I’m only 21. And 21 year olds still have a very long way to go. But please, give me some direction. Another thought: things are so different than how I thought they would be. My best friend is leaving for Alaska in 2 months. And everyday, I hurt thinking about it. I literally ache and almost come to tears and then brush it off and become numb. I am so proud of him. So proud. But I know that I am going to miss him more than I can even fathom. I try to talk to him but I find myself shutting myself off from him because I want him to be happy. And I know I’m being selfish. Alex, if you read this, please know that Alaska will be the best experience for you and I will never ever stop you from fulfilling your dreams.

No more thinking. Just doing. Be ready. Here comes the new and (i hope) improved Ashleigh. Watch out.

The Morning After.

I didn’t know it would be this hard to make your dreams come true. The truth is, it’s the hardest thing that I’ve ever done. I think that it’s the fact that I am so far away from where I came from. And so close yet so far away to where I am going. I’m better today, as I hoped I would be. But I’m still thinking. Too much.

February

February is traditionally the worst month for me. I’m not saying that it’s bad this month. But I am saying that it’s hard to be here with so many people and yet I feel so… alone. I’m helpless. I know that I have great friends, a great family. I don’t know why this happens. It could be that this is the month Cindy passed. But honestly, I don’t think about that as much as I used to (should). I don’t know if that’s my brain’s way of saying you need to think about it, you need to hurt. I miss her. A lot. Obviously. I just feel so alone. And sad. And just outright numb. I don’t want to do schoolwork. I don’t want to work. I don’t want to socialize. And honestly, if I had my rathers, I’d lock myself in a dark room and lay there for days at a time. I know this isn’t good. I know that it’s probably “impersonal” posting this on my blog about loving life. But this blog is about me. And if you’re reading this, you need to learn to love and accept all of me. I never want to hurt anyone, I don’t. But I’m going to be honest, I just want to be alone. I want to sit in my own thoughts to the point of almost self destruction. When I get to the breaking point, I want to (like I have done so many times before) pick the pieces up off of the floor and rebuild myself. I knew that with this self discovery, this would come. The fact of the matter is that I need to do this on my own. Do this for me. Not anyone else. I want to love me as much as everyone else does. And I know that it’s hard. But life is hard. And I think we all know that. So, I’m going to pick some of my stuff up. Put my books in my backpack. Sync my new playlist to my ipod and cry until there is nothing left to feel. And maybe tomorrow I will wake up with feeling and a smile.

I’m Back/ Goals for 2011.

So, I haven’t written. And I know it’s been a prolonged period of time. Maybe some of you have been waiting but most likely, few of you care. Each year, people complete the mundane task of making a list of resolutions for the new year. The saddest part about this task? Most of this list is never completed. However, I feel it is absolutely necessary to have goals (my teacher self coming to surface). So, as many of you could guess, I have decided to make a list of my “resolutions” for 2011. However, this is different from your every day New Year’s Resolutions. This will be entitled My Goals for the Year 2011. I will complete these goals. No exceptions. For every goal I do not complete at the end of the year, I will give a random person on the street $10. This is my motivation.

My Goals for the Year 2011

1. I will lose weight. I have been overweight for my entire life. I am ready to be at the normal weight for my height and age. I want to lose 40 to 50 pounds by the end of the year. I will not accomplish this with surgery or pills but the natural, healthy way. I will change my diet and exercise every day.

2. I will not drink any carbonation, cut down my consumption of processed foods and sugary foods, and consume no fried foods. They’re bad for your body and brain. Not to mention slow you down.

3. I will strengthen my relationship with God. I would say this means to go to church every Sunday. But that’s not the only thing. I need to become closer with Him in my life on every day, not just Sunday.

4. I will stay away from people/ things that are bad for my health, family, and me. I have decided after some time to be abstinent. It is my goal to surround myself with people who have similar beliefs as me. If there is someone who is a negative asset in my life, I’m not going to have them in my life. I do not have the time for that. People need to respect me. It is unrealistic to say that I will not consume alcohol because I enjoy the flavor of alcohol but I will do so sparingly. Finally, I will stay away from language that is offensive. There is no need for it and it makes me sound less educated than I am.

5. I am going to save my money. I am not going out every night and doing things like I did last semester. I will have a spending limit of $45 a month. No more than that. Also, I am not paying for people to do things anymore. I added up the amount of money that I have spent on other people to do things that they still owe me and it’s over $300. That’s ridiculous.

6. I am not going to argue with people… unless it is ABSOLUTELY necessary. On the same note, I AM going to tell you what’s up if you upset me. But then, I will be done with it.

7. I’m going to keep cooking and keep getting better at it. I’m actually really good at cooking and trying new things.

8. Facebook once a day during the week. That’s it.

9. I will take care of my body. Outside and inside of it.

10. I will make more time for myself. Once a day: me time. No homework, friends, or family.

11. I will write in my journal more.

Mind Boggling… Day 3.

When I first came to Ball State, I was lost. I had no idea where anything was. Nor who anybody was, including myself. And now, three years later, I’d like to say that I am an expert on the campus, and getting more familiar with getting to know who I am. What kills me is when this ignorant person said to me the other day: “you’re still a student. So that means you’re still a child.” Where on earth did he get this notion from? Isn’t being an adult about taking responsibility and doing what you can to better your future? That’s technically what I’m doing by being a student.

So, why did I write this? To explain my new makeover part, of course.

Goal: I will take responsibility for my actions and what it is I need to do. No longer will I miss out on educational opportunities to make others happy.

Why this is important: I won’t have any regrets or bitterness towards anyone. And I’ll be more prepared.

I find it astounding that by being a student, that makes me a “child”. He has a lot to learn. And obviously a lot of growing up to do.

Day 2…

All day long, i’ve been thinking about my next improvement. I started with thinking “I’ll intellectually better myself”. That’s an awesome start. But I think I need something more specific. So, I came up with this simple task:

I will read at least two books every month for ME, not for class. Then, I will come on here and write what I thought of the book and if I would recommend it.

Why this is important: it will give me the chance to have some me time. Which I don’t get enough of.

My current book: Eclipse by Stephanie Meyer.

Makeover… Day 1.

I woke up this morning with the extreme desire to better myself. i looked into this feeling. And I’ve decided I need an all around makeover. So, until December 31, 2010, I will be blogging on here and telling you the thing I did to make over myself that day.

Today, it’s physical beauty:

here’s my goal: I will take care of myself physically. I will get up and do my hair and makeup no matter how tired I am.

why it makes a difference: i will feel more attractive. and when you feel more attractive, better things happen, in general. I want to look appealing to other people. Not just myself or the opposite sex. In my career path, I need to look approachable and put together in order to build relationships with my students, staff, and parents.