February

February is traditionally the worst month for me. I’m not saying that it’s bad this month. But I am saying that it’s hard to be here with so many people and yet I feel so… alone. I’m helpless. I know that I have great friends, a great family. I don’t know why this happens. It could be that this is the month Cindy passed. But honestly, I don’t think about that as much as I used to (should). I don’t know if that’s my brain’s way of saying you need to think about it, you need to hurt. I miss her. A lot. Obviously. I just feel so alone. And sad. And just outright numb. I don’t want to do schoolwork. I don’t want to work. I don’t want to socialize. And honestly, if I had my rathers, I’d lock myself in a dark room and lay there for days at a time. I know this isn’t good. I know that it’s probably “impersonal” posting this on my blog about loving life. But this blog is about me. And if you’re reading this, you need to learn to love and accept all of me. I never want to hurt anyone, I don’t. But I’m going to be honest, I just want to be alone. I want to sit in my own thoughts to the point of almost self destruction. When I get to the breaking point, I want to (like I have done so many times before) pick the pieces up off of the floor and rebuild myself. I knew that with this self discovery, this would come. The fact of the matter is that I need to do this on my own. Do this for me. Not anyone else. I want to love me as much as everyone else does. And I know that it’s hard. But life is hard. And I think we all know that. So, I’m going to pick some of my stuff up. Put my books in my backpack. Sync my new playlist to my ipod and cry until there is nothing left to feel. And maybe tomorrow I will wake up with feeling and a smile.